I’ve talked a lot about this “connection,” this thing I think we, as humans, have possibly forgotten about. But what I haven’t done yet it is relate that thought back to myself, and launch into this so-called “personal journey” – the part I promised would be at the center of my writing.

Well can you blame me?! The idea of hard-core self-examination looks a lot better on paper.

From the way I’ve written up to now (all meditative-like), you may have gotten the idea that I’m one of those very deep, mindful, healthy types – maybe you pictured me as a vegan in a hemp outfit hanging out with other enlightened ones laughing about cosmic jokes over green smoothies. Ahhh, isn’t the internet lovely? It’s the Facebook factor – your FB friends only see the “perfect” side of you, until that one regretful night when you drink too much and a friend sneaks a loving snapshot.

Yes, I definitely have my meditative qualities and I do enjoy the occasional green smoothy. BUT, let it be known – I’m not as Zenned out as I’d like to portray myself as. In fact, I would say that I’m really a pretty damned typical middle American. I struggle, just like you.

So, in order to peer deeply into the looking glass and examine my connection to The Unremembered, I’m going to lay it out there for you in full candor – the real me. And to do this most authentically, I think I should start with my body. “Wait a minute,” you say. “I thought this was about spiritual stuff, superconsciousness stuff – the body? That’s like not very deep.”

I know, right? Not very deep indeed. Yet, I can’t think of a more apt place to start. My physical body and the changes it has undergone in the past five years have produced more “awakening” for me than anything else. The current state of my body has brought some majorly hard truths to the surface, one of which is the hard truth that I’m totally out of touch. I’m out of touch with my body, and the natural world that would readily support it’s health had I the strength and will to tap into it.

And I’m reminded of this truth every time I look in the mirror and see someone that does NOT look like me. Who is this person? And how did she get in my bedroom?

Let me stop here before I get a slew of comments about this seemingly shallow perception of my looks. I do know it’s not all that bad. I’m a fairly pretty gal – I’m not obese, I’m just a little overweight for my small frame. And, the truth is I don’t think skinny is the ultimate goal! I really don’t. This is way more complicated than weight, but for me it has been a blaring point of realization. It wasn’t until my body began to expand away from its norm that I started to realize something was out of whack, outwardly and inwardly.

Also, I realize there are many people out there struggling with much more complicated image and weight issues than me. However, I think many of us can agree that when struggling with any kind of physical self-image issue – putting it into perspective never really helps on a personal level. We’re too entrenched in our own incessant self-criticism to be persuaded by a sense of perspective. I know friends and family members who are skinny as hell and still struggle with this, so I think what I’m talking about here is fairly universal. It’s about self-image more than how much we weigh.

The truth is, its not just about looks at all.  I do not feel healthy in any way, shape or form. In fact, physically, I really feel like shit. I’m sick more than ever before and my body literally hurts. I have ongoing digestive issues and I get out of breath doing the smallest of tasks. Although diabetes and heart disease run in my family, I do absolutely nothing to prevent myself from succumbing to these ailments.

My social identity suffers too. I feel awkward and self-conscious in public in a way I’ve never experienced before. Unsure of my own physical presence, I’m beginning to question who I really am (I’ve discovered for the first time that my physical identity is somehow tied into my inner, personal identity as well). Because I can’t fit into a single piece of my former wardrobe and because I can’t afford to buy a new one, I’m in total limbo with my sense of style. I wear things on a regular basis that I absolutely hate, which further adds to my social anxiety.

To give you a visual. I’ve got some pics.

Before - I was super confident, I felt alive and healthy.

After - My body feels terrible and my self-image is shaky at best.

While looking at these side by side, what strikes me about the before and afterness is not so much that I’m 30 pounds heavier in the second picture. No, that’s not it at all. What strikes me is that I know the mindset I had when the first pic was taken as opposed to the mindset I have now.

Until I gained a little weight, I never really thought about my body or my looks much at all. I was never into fashion or make-up or dieting or working out, any of those things associated with making myself look better. I had my own comfortable style, relaxed and understated. I was naturally thin, I had a great complexion, and I had some cute qualities. More notably, I had confidence. The kind of confidence I didn’t even know I had until I lost it.

Now, I think about my looks all the freaking time! I’ve entered a whole new world of shallow, and it’s very uncomfortable here. I think about what my style would be, if I were thinner (would I lean more toward subtle punk or patchoulized hippie?). I think about the heads that would turn, if I were thinner. I think about the tan I would get to match my bikini, if I were thinner. I look in the mirror a hundred times a day and do whatever I can to make up for my physical shortcomings (make-up, hair, and strategically placed oversized purse). And worse, I talk about all this stuff in conversation! Yuck.

This is all very new to me, and I HATE IT. My obsession with what I look like and what I want to look like is seriously driving me insane (partially because I know thin is NOT the ultimate goal and yet I’m still thinking about it). And, as I mentioned before, it has brought to light a struggle that is much more than skin deep. If I’m 100% aware of the fact that my body is aching for health, what is it that’s holding me back from seeking health and physical wholeness full-force? What kind of mindset brought me to this place to begin with? Will I do anything to change it?

This is a BIG topic, and a BIG part of my current self-questioning. So the next few posts will talk about the many layers of this struggle.

Please hear me when I say this is NOT about losing weight. I’m not going to post how many pounds I’m shedding and my work-out schedule (I’m not working out and I’m not shedding pounds so that part’s easy). But I will post about how this all goes back to my disconnect from nature. And, I will probably post about my ego and resulting “identity crisis.” And, I will explore if and how I can remedy this internally – for a mentally and physically healthier outcome.

Can you identify with this struggle? Let’s start an open conversation about it. Please leave a comment – this is a safe place to share 🙂

This is me. I do not feel healthy or physically whole in this pic.